Sometimes, a lot of funnies come through, forwarded from one friend to another, passing the giggles along. Once in a while, some yahoo finds my email address (not like it's secret,) and sends a note that is just off.the.wall.
This morning for instance. I began my daily routine of propping up my eyelids with toothpicks and diving snout first into my first bucket of coffee. I fumbled one hand out to fire up old faithful, and headed to my email.
And I found this:
"Sat, February 12, 2011 2:25:30 AMhorse purchase ...
| Add to Contacts | ||
| revolutionhouse8626@yahoo.com |
Hello,
My name is Gary Hamilton,i am a citizen of U.S.A but live and work in U.K.I will be retiring in some few weeks time and i will like to purchase a horse before i arrive.I will like you to send me the list of breeds you have,i will also be paying via check through my financial broker in new york.
I will be expecting your response.
Gary"
Oh boy oh boy oh BOY!!! Gary from the US but works in the UK wants to buy a horse from ME!! Oh happy DAY it is SUCH a good thing I have SO MANY horses for SALE right now for him to purchase!!
He will like me a whole lot I bet, should I work up a response and bust his b@lls a bit... muwahahahaha...
Oh!!! I KNOW!! You guys are all a creative lot-- lets ALL write Gary a letter telling him about our available horses for sale. Now how much fun would that be? We can dink around with a spammer!
Leave a creative comment, and let's all screw with Gary, who will like a list of breeds for him to purchase. Muwahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa
~MM
12 comments:
Dear Gary:
Thank you for your interest. I will have you know that I specialize in Standardbreds, which contrary to the name might imply, are actually not standard at all! They are in fact quite rare in the show ring, and thus highly prized. One of the reasons they are so coveted is that they have many different gaits that you cannot train into other horses on purpose! It's a very difficult and selective breeding process, you see. Generations and generations of well-guarded secrets.
Now, I love all of my Standardbreds very much, as they are a very charming and distinctive breed, but for the right price I may be able to part with one. Why, just this week I sold a lovely breeding gelding to the Brooklyn Bridge Co. of Tiujuana for ten thousand pesos! (If it sounds like a steal, that's because it is! But I gave them some leeway due to current exchange rates, and the fact that they threw in a deed to a lovely Omaha shorehouse as a partial trade.)
These very rare and special horses all come in exquisite shades of brown, so I usually instruct any interested buyers to tell me their favorite flavor of Godiva chocolate, and see what I have in stock that is the nearest match. But you know, with Valentine's day around the corner, some of these horses are going quicker than others! It's chocolate season!
Please respond in a timely fashion so that I may match you up with your perfect horse in the most timely manner possible. Just so you know, I can no longer accept personal cheques (a nice gentleman in Nigeria unfortunately had one bounce and we are still trying to exchange through customs! But my accountant says true professionals do not take personal cheques anyway and I trust him implicitly) but I would be willing to accept money orders, credit cards, Paypal, and Star Bucks, so I am sure we can reach some sort of satisfactory arrangement.
I look forward to doing business with you!
- NTAT
PS: I should inform you that I charge a 1000 Euro finder's fee for each of the horses listed for you. Standard protocol, you understand.
LOL NTAT!!!! That was GREAT!!!
I would like to offer my Zorse for sale. He is hot pink with purple zebra stripes. Very flashy! Very rare coloring! Will make extra-purdy babies for you. Never seen a halter, because I can't get into the pasture with him...but all he needs is a special touch and he'll be wonderful!
Greetings of the day to Gary.
I am very pleased for being able to present you with the opportunity to be acquiring a horse of great value and rarity. This
horse of which I am telling you is a "Registered Grade Horse". To quaint yourself with the very stringent requirements of the
registry, please take your computer to
http://allensparklodge.blogspot.com/2010/07/north-american-grade-horse-registry.html
This horse easily meets total requirements of the registry, and for the reason this animal is now know as gelding, it is the last of its bloodline, assuring its value and rarity will increase over time.
I will make this animal to be yours for the sum of 45,000 USD and have it awaiting your arrival when you get off of your slow boat.
Please wire me the funds, and make available to me the name and account number of your bank, so that I may be sending
you any excess funds after shipping.
With only the respect due-
Mister Bill Martin, owner of Ranger, the Wonder Horse
I hate spamers!!!!!
Whoops! really bad typo!
trying again
Apaintedfrieswalkinquarterflinger(Rare ,difficult to find(read catch) lightdraft gaited horse , Very athletic , you can watch her run away form you for miles , and often leap ,almost over a 4strand barbed wire fence. Very tough hide btw on these animals, rareley more than a single limb degloved in any incident.Hardy tough feet that grow at an unusual angle( adds to the unique gaits)
This one of a kind special can be yours for the cost of $2000.00 ,two lariats , a set of fencing pliers , some bandages and a couple of good cowboys !
Serious enquiries only .
"Sad thing is here that this horse actually exists , up the road form me !"
Dear Gary
thank you for your interest in my horses. I have many Grade gildings for sale. These horses are very rare, in fact they are so rare you can't even register one!
You will be glad to be returning to the US at this time and getting into horses as the financial aspect is unbelievable right now!
Price will depend on what you would like your horse to do. If it is just to be a pet the starting price is $5000. If you would like to ride or drive the horse the price will increase of course due to the extra training required as well as the need to find a horse that possesses the ability to do those jobs.
Of course I would also be happy to help you with other necessities of moving back to the US and becoming a horse owner. If you buy your horse from me I will be able to help you find your new home. Real estate here is incredible at the moment, you will surely need someone to assist you!
To proceed with either the horse transaction, the real estate or both my partner & I will need your estimated arrival, contact info and social insurance number as well as a copy of your passport.
Looking forward to doing business with you,
XXXX
Sorry my imagination when it comes to spammers, especially of the horse variety who seem to find my inbox ALL too frequently, is currently limited to four letter words of the explative kind so you guys have a ball and I'm going to get myself a hot fudge sundae.
Mrs. Mom, thanks for starting all of this. I have really enjoyed reading the responses. My response would be something along the line that to qualify for purchases in America he must shovel the weight in horses in horse sh** since his letter is just as much bull sh**!!
LOL! Love the answers!
Dear Gary,
I have a very rare breed that you would be advised to own, it is called the Kootenay Sasquatch. It is well known for it's thick hair, able to withstand the coldest of winters, and it is also able to pack cases of beer up to the tops of mountains, which makes it a valuable pack animal. It is so rare that sightings of him cause great excitement and immediate media attention, insuring great fame for its owner. Please send me your check as soon as possible to ensure your ownership of this fine animal will be awaiting your arrival upon your anticipated retirement. Shipping to India not included.
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